Sunday, September 29, 2013

Temporary Tattoo + Permanent [Truth].


I had a few big decisions to make last week that required me to be BRAVE + BRILLIANT. I wrote it on my arm because I NEEDED THE REMINDER. I'm not really sure that I succeeded, but a domino-effect occurred and emotions threw me enough curve balls that I needed an extra reminder to BE BRAVE + BE BRILLIANT.
Because I am made for it.
I just need a little reminder.
I have spent much of the past year realizing that I am who I am. I ALWAYS WAS. I've spent thirty-odd years as me.   I've tried all kinds of schools, styles + beliefs. I've experimented with who I THOUGHT I should be + I've pined over who I wanted to be. I've sorted through the guilt of being who I am. And this year has brought it around in a circle...
Which is so cool. And so extremely LIFE.
I started out as a little girl who sat on the floor in her bedroom to write.
I liked myself.
I taught myself.
I wrote about feeling because feeling are what I knew.
I wrote letters because words are magic.
I was a loner, but never lonely.
I listened to odd music.
I never listened to doubts.
I talked through those letters and they talked back to me in ink.
I liked silence.
I wrote in narrative... because that's where I feel loved.
I never felt guilty for picking writing over everything else.
I never felt I had to "keep up".
I did what I did.
I was the person who spoke her feelings and got in trouble.
I was not okay with things that were not okay.
I preferred kindness over popularity.
I never censored myself, but I never hid things either.
I was bulletproof - not because I was immune to hurt... because I was extra susceptible.

Fast forward. Life does wonderful work.

You learn.
You grow.
You take risks.
You lose a bit of yourself.
You find who matters.
You stick with the people that lift you up.
And you become yourself.
All over again.

I am a woman who sits on the floor in my living room to write.
I like myself.
I teach myself.
I write feeling because feeling are what I know.
I write journals because words are magical and BEAUTIFUL.
I am a loner, but never lonely.
I listen to odd music.
I never listen to doubts.
I talk through those journal pages and they talk back to me in ink.
And in dreams…
And in photos…
I like silence.
I write in narrative because that's where I feel happy.
I rarely feel guilty for picking writing over everything else. 

I try not to feel like I have to "keep up".
I do what I do and I don't feel like I need to apologize for that.
I drink wine.
I am the person who speaks her feelings and gets flack for it.
You always know where you stand with me.
I am not okay with things that are not okay.
I prefer kindness over popularity.
I never censor myself, but I never hide things either.
I am bulletproof because I am easy to wound.
And, man I love life.
The soul work that I've been doing lately – with feelings and emotions in my journals has made it achingly + awesomely obvious that I am who I am. I always was. I journeyed in a circle.
Maybe that little girl sitting on the floor of her bedroom knew something all along.