Tuesday, March 26, 2013

[Open] Hearts Fresh Starts.

I'm trying to stay focused on the things I need to do to make my hopes + wishes come to life. When pessimism sneaks into my mix I take a step back, turn off the Internet, stop listening to the outside world and turn to my creating. Oh and I write notes to myself. Which is weird, but I can get away with stuff like that because I'm weird.  

I get eccentricity for free. 

I've been doing a lot of thinking these days.  Good things.  Bad things.  The things.  I haven't talked about it because I haven't had the words...I couldn't even go there. It was too heavy to be spoken. I felt like I was looking up from the bottom of a swimming pool. So dark at the bottom and becoming clearer and clearer towards the surface.  Because that's how I felt. I felt forgotten. I felt empty. And sad. And broken. And really, really scared. My body broke down I felt like I was drowning. And I have never felt sadness like that before. I couldn't put words to those feelings.  Actually, I probably could, but I was afraid to face such an ugly truth. I didn't want to be here. Worst time ever.

And in retrospect - it was very good. It was okay. It's good to see what you can endure and good to see how life sorts itself out. The friends who are friends and the loves who are loves rise to the top like cream. And then you live in the cream of life. It's nice.

And so now... this big thought that makes my heart bleed... Well, I am thinking different thoughts.  Something new here. The thoughts, well they are surely connected, but on opposite sides of the spectrum. I feel good. 

The new thoughts are something that makes my heart feel light, but reminded.

I am grateful for every single day that I can get out of bed and free fall in this passion of mine.


Saturday, March 23, 2013

[Navigation] & Contemplation.

Navigating a new home...If you have chatted with me in the last 2 months then you probably heard me talking about my action item for this month which is to make a decision about a new home.  

Navigating meeting...Work stuff. Life stuff. Tax time. Listening. Receiving advice. Making decisions. The business stuff of business. There are days I feel very alone in these decisions. Sitting with the fear of the unknown, sitting with the fear of making the wrong decisions, educating myself, practicing bravery. Out of my element but wanting to be a “grown-up” and make the best possible decisions for myself.

Navigating soul-searching...Finding a home for myself between independence and need. Between “I can do it all myself” and “I really want to be sharing this journey.” Between control and letting go. It will likely be one of my greatest struggles throughout the course of my life.

Navigating the everyday...This week I had the best dinner experience with friends. It wasn’t one thing in particular but the entire experience in general. There was back and forth conversation that everyone was really, really listening to and involved.   There was minimal complaining about the food that was served. It was all these things in conjunction with one another that seemed so awesome.  Whatever it was, I noticed it and my heart was happy.

Navigating towards open...All of this navigation results in a lot of contemplation. Sometimes I feel frozen and literally have to will myself to take the next step (or be pushed over the edge). Other times it all feels fluid and smooth and easy.

Life is a constant series of navigations. Figuring out what makes sense, directing, recovering from mistakes, celebrating success, opening vs. closing, riding the waves, surviving the lows, listening, learning, choosing, taking action.

[She] Realized Her Courage.

I've been thinking so much about healing. About how we all need it. About how we must heal ourselves before we can fully nurture others, before we can fully offer up our vision to the world, before we can fully lean into the joy.  

I think I used to think that healing was for those who were in serious trouble or for those who were in incredible despair, depression, or worse. It didn't occur to me that healing was something we all need, and often. I also thought that healing was something that happened to you vs something we create for ourselves.

I'm learning how untrue both those beliefs were and how healing, in some ways, is a life long process + practice of unlearning much of what we've been taught and told along the way. Unlearning as in pealing back the layers of fear and armor and all the stuff that gets in the way of our truest voice. Unlearning as in going all the way back to the moment of trauma and healing that younger version of ourselves with compassionate guidance. Unlearning as in unraveling all the untrue stories we tell about ourselves while we begin to tell new, more accurate stories (I AM enough. I AM loved. I AM worthy.).

As I continue my everyday healing practice/awareness, I am amazed at how my older life, my social work life - the younger version of myself that was lit up by self discovery - is re-emerging back into the fold as new kind of soul work life. That's what it feels like. Good, solid, healing soul work.
Wishing the same sweet healing for you, too.

Yes to Growing. Yes to healing.