Wednesday, July 31, 2013

[Super] Powered.

Every positive change–every jump to a higher level of energy and awareness–involves a rite of passage. Each time to ascend to a higher rung on the ladder of personal evolution, we must go through a period of discomfort, of initiation. I have never found an exception.
-Dan Millman, author of Way of the Peaceful Warrior

I love this quote and the re-frame he offers: That even in the midst of the discomfort, you can know that this is initiation. This is you growing into something more — deeper, wiser, more awake + more compassionate. It’s a lovely big-picture way to hold whatever big shifts are going on in your life right now.

I spoke with a friend yesterday and when she asked me how I was, I found myself saying, “I don’t have words for it yet, but I know that I am experiencing a shift. I am moving towards a different way of being as a creative person + teacher. I am moving toward something more intimate and grounded, something that feeds me in deep ways and creates even more powerful connections to the people I serve.”

After I said it I was surprised by how true it felt. I didn’t even realize that I was in the midst of change until the words came out of my mouth! But there it was.
I would guess that if we are awake + conscious in our lives, that we are almost always in a state of becoming. Becoming more ourselves by honoring who we are in bigger and deeper ways.

But what I want to acknowledge today is that the awkward messy phase of an initiation is full of discomfort and doubt. We will question everything — if we are on the right path, if we are up to the task, or if we should just quit altogether. It’s tempting to judge ourselves especially, to say we are lost or broken. You’re a mess, get your shit together, why can’t you be like so and so… But I’m here to say this: that life is often that messy middle place and our capacity to find comfort (and perspective) there can make all the difference.

I am humbled, once again, by going down the road I didn’t want to go down. By opening the door I was afraid to open.  Perhaps if we can all hold each other’s wobbly in-between space, we can find more strength to move through the fire.

[One of the great voices of our generation & a very underrated singer.]

Monday, July 29, 2013

[Heart] & Life.

A big part of my soul work this year has been to challenge myself to do less. A good friend of mine always tells me that what I consider "slacking off" while staying strong is likely a normal, healthy load. So I've been practicing "slacking off" while staying strong all year.

Lots of saying no.
Lots of resisting the urge to give, give, give.
Lots of practicing the "I won't be forgotten if I take a break" mantra.
Lots of contemplation.
Lots of healing work around perfectionism/worthiness/boundaries.
Lots of trusting.
Lots of breathing.
Lots of allowing.
Lots of awakening.

What I've learned so far in my year of "slacking off" while staying strong is that…
There is breath.
There is beauty.
There is a whole lot of trusting the process.
There is an enormous amount of loving my heart out.
There is a certain kind of self love.

I'm learning. Turns out it takes a lot of self compassion to give yourself permission to stop over doing it.  And so friends, I wish for you the same sweet surrender:

Breath, Beauty, Trust, and Love.

[Inner] Moves.

Maybe stories are just data with a soul. –Brene Brown

I'm not going to lie. It's been a rough couple of weeks around here. My heart has been working really hard to let itself break when another piece of me wants to keep on truckin. It takes a lot of courage to let ourselves feel the pain of any given heartbreak, of any given misfortune. I'm trying to be courageous. I feel fortunate to have my family and friends as beacons of light.

While getting my Masters they used to tell us that we should never tell someone it's going to be okay, and I suppose that's actually quite true. We don't actually know if it's going to be okay for someone else and we shouldn't give misguided hope. But, I don't know, sometimes my heart really needs to hear the concreteness of it's going to be okay…

you are going to be okay…
your spirit will be okay…
you're going to survive…

And while all that assurance is happening, I'd also love to hear that I can surrender my fear and I'll still be okay.

That I can embrace the uncertainty.
That I'll still be okay.
That I can completely fall apart.
That I can take my time.
That I can feel the circling of darkness that will give way to light.
That I can feel sorry for myself and perhaps have an all out crisis of faith.

And even then, I'll still be okay. And then I'd really like to hear that through it all, one day, I'll emerge softer, wiser, more beauty-full.

Because even in the dark I know this to be true: Eventually hope rises up to meet us. It cracks open our hearts to the light within ourselves waiting to be seen, to be born again.
I'm going to be okay. And for those of you struggling, your spirit is going to be okay, too.

Friday, July 26, 2013


I absolutely am falling for him.
Some things are just out of your control.  
From words to emotions to a real connection.
He's a lot like this song.
A true romantic he is.
Someday, you and I against the world.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

A Magical [Journey].

Super honest post here. Beware. But there's a silver lining at the end, promise!

So, this is how I'm feeling at the moment. FRAZZLED.

I need some help. There's so much that I want to do, and I just can't do it all myself. There. I said it.  I had an a-ha moment a couple days ago.

I'm really afraid of being disappointed by other people. I'm afraid of being let down, and I'm afraid of being honest and direct when that happens.

I do NOT like being direct and honest when I'm afraid it'll hurt or upset another person. It's really, really hard for me. Like, I'll avoid it at all costs kind of hard.

I have extremely high standards for myself (big surprise, I'm sure), and I work really fast. I have a low tolerance for laziness and lateness. I get a lot done. I'm constantly working to improve and get better. And, for better or for worse, I expect other people to be this same way. To work at lightning speed, to deliver things BEFORE the deadline, to jump in fully. 

It's often easier to do things myself, because then I don't have to risk being disappointed by someone else.


So, I'm not quite sure what to do with this a-ha information yet, but it's weirdly making me more willing to want to work with other people. Clearly, I have some trust issues that I need to work through.

[that raspy voice is heaven]