[Emerging].

"Courage is to speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.” – Brené Brown

I’ve heard many teachers and gurus say words to the effect that it is through our struggle where we will find peace, that there is a gift in the challenge if we can only find it.

Today I had a conversation (via text, I know, don’t judge) about perseverance and struggle of people and how they deal.  Sometimes life asks a lot more than what you think you have to give, and so far it has demanded me to embrace courage. I wouldn’t have got through these past years without it. I know I’m a strong person but embracing courage has given me a quiet kind of strength to keep going when I don’t think I can, a courage that comes from within, rather than me using the strength of others to pull me through.  I truly believe there is beauty in the struggle, in a way I couldn’t have understood without going through it directly. 

Through it all, I feel like my journey (life+love) is allowing me to uncover more and more gifts in my struggle, like there is a magnificent purpose to it all. 

There is a balance in writing such a personal blog, and I often wonder if I step over that line between sharing what perhaps should be kept private and intimate, and sharing what is personal yet hopefully empowering to others. Yet ultimately I wear my heart on my sleeve, it’s how I’ve always been so here I am digging into my courage and pouring my heart out on this blog. These past ten months have been so up and down emotionally (in an awesome, exciting way), it has been more like taking a ride on a centrifuge than a roller-coaster. I have been through such an extraordinary range of experiences and emotions which don’t fall into a neat little blog post, but I suppose that’s the way life is; at times you feel like you can’t quite catch your breath from the guilt/shame or joy/happiness of it all.

I believe we are far more than our bodies, and when we start to love and embrace every part of ourselves we will start to awaken to our own magnificence and the amazing things we can experience and do with our lives. So when I said that I was starting to see the gift in all my struggles, I truly believe it is a gift. The gift is that I see I am worthy/enough and beautiful just as I am, right now.

Beauty is what happens when we truly embrace, love and accept ourselves; it is not a physical set of criteria, but the shining of your own essence when it is fully realized and embraced. That I can embrace myself with true love and compassion is the best gift I could ask for. There is so much beauty in the struggle; like that of a butterfly which has to go through its own challenges to break free from its cocoon, but it is this struggle that makes it strong enough to fly. We are all beautiful emerging butterflies, and I for one am soaring high.

[Heart] Break.

Several months ago my "boyfriend" (and I use that term loosely) and I split.  He's the best man you could ever ask for and my heart still hurts when I think about the decisions I made.  Ever notice how when you first break your heart, it's this intense, all-consuming sort of emotional pain? I'm from Iowa and like most solid Mid-Westerners, we swallow our emotions well. Maybe I'm just actually emotionally delayed, but lately the heart break is this constant ache that wasn't there a few months ago. Music has been a huge solace and this video I found today has been on repeat all day.

[Answers] Arrive.

You are what you spend your time on.
Not always easy. But always important.

As complicated + simple as that little idea is - it's been a rocket-science type reminder for me this summer. PROFOUND. I took a look at my schedule and shuffled things until I could appropriately answer the question "If-I-died-tomorrow-what-would-I-want-on-my-tombstone?" The truth is I don't want it so say "she texted him daily."  I love texting and the connecting with him + sharing with him has brought great feeling to my life. I truly do. BUT, I want it to say "she was amazing". Right now, in order to move forward, I need to see him.  If he doesn't have the same need... I'll need to let him go...and cut all ties +loses 😢  So I'm shuffling (and am still shuffling) life around until it resonates with my heart.

I'm trying to do better at BEING WHERE I AM. As in being in the moment and living in the NOW. I am trying to do better. I am being very mindful of anchoring my thoughts in the present, letting the drama fade away and being grateful for the goodness that surrounds us here.

Truthfully, this is not where I imagined I would be: Single.  And yet it is kinda awesome. Surprisingly awesome and peaceful. And full of determination and power. I feel very intense. I don't know where it is coming from.

Just that I am listening...

[Wrap] Your Arms Around Me.

How did I find myself here? I seem to be asking this so very much lately, partly out of happy disbelief, and partly out of something more practical that I can't seem to put my finger on. I want to make sure I’m where I want to be. I don't want to wake up one day and find myself somewhere vague and misdirected, like so many people describe in their lives and how I found myself many, many years ago too.

Passion and inspiration...check. Unfortunately my brain is always moving and my thoughts never make a sound!

I feel ready and I am curious to see how I do with letting my feelings be known, in writing, to an audience.

Will I be able to balance and center myself through it all, especially all the writing of my book?

Will I be able to feel my way through it with inspiration?

Will I be vulnerable enough to expose that at one time, I thought I wasn't enough.

Will I be able to express in words how I hurt someone so special to me, and how now, I feel like I pay a huge price.

Most of all, I want to stay balanced, grounded, structured yet passionate, wild, and free.

Can we have it all?

It's hard work to listen to ourselves, to make sure we are ourselves in the midst of the everyday callings. Man- o -Man. I feel fortunate today, many years later, to be right here, where I want to be, but it comes with constant tweaking, recognizing, and re-evaluating. It was a hard lesson for me and it was hard work to rediscover myself. I don't want to go through that unearthing again…so, tweaking it is, even if it means I'm too much.

Too wordy.

Too vulnerable.

Too woo woo.

Too analytical.

Too emotional.

I like this self. Feels good.

I hope that years and years from now I will remember these very months with gentle fondness. I'm sure I will…

[Doing], Doing, Doing.

I woke up feeling hopeful and light today. Usually I wake up tired, groggy, with a mental to-do list swirly in my head. But today, I woke up with a clear happiness, without the least of worry or lists. Maybe it was the scent of pancakes first thing in the morning that had me grinning before I even got out of bed (I heart my sister who adores making breakfast)? Or maybe it was that hot bath at 3am this morning that had me all relaxed and ready to drift into a deep sleep. Or maybe it's the hot, sunny weather that has me wanting to skip around with the deeper arrival of summer. I don't know. But I feel all warm and glad today.

With the exception of last night, I've been struggling with sleep lately. I'm having one bad dream after the next and it seems I'm always on the surface of awake. In my dreams, I'm alone. I've lost him. And I’m reaching, running, searching, doing-doing-doing, and very scared. I wake up, usually tired and a bit mentally exhausted. I haven't been giving my dream/sleep patterns very much thought, but after the reprieve of waking up refreshed today, I'm realizing how important it is, on a very practical and mental level, to get good/solid/quality sleep. I'm going work on this. Not sure exactly how, but I'll figure something out. And I need to think more about these dreams. What gives?

[Moving] Beyond.

"I have met brave women who are exploring the outer edge of human possibility, with no history to guide them, and with a courage to make themselves vulnerable that I find moving beyond words." 

- Gloria Steinem

I keep thinking about all the ways we bravely intuitively listen - over and over again - to our bodies. To the little nudges on our hearts. To the whispers that are calling us. We're sort of expert intuitive listeners, no? I think the real magic happens when we not only listen, but when we allow whatever it is that may be nudging at our sleeves to transform our lives. I can't think of a better intersection of when we're our bravest and our most vulnerable - a place from which we can create, and make, and begin, and discover our own limitlessness. I seem to get this lesson over and over again.

Thanks you, sweets. You taught me the power of leaning in.  And you didn’t even know!  And it’s amazing how the second we allow ourselves to indulge the whispers, our entire lives wake up. I want to always listen, allow, and awaken.  

A

Half [Way].

June is almost behind us! Wow. As usual it feels like the year is zipping by. WHERE DOES THE TIME GO? Will there be a time when it does NOT feel like life just zooms on by? Please tell me that there will be. Slow down life.  

I have been taking a break from technology. Not really on purpose, but it has turned out to be so nice. I need to do something like this once a month. Seems like there is always an ebb and flow around here and balance means knowing what needs attention when it does. Not necessarily giving everything attention all the time.

I'm grateful. My heart is full. I'm SO happy and so relieved to be on to the next adventure.

[Happy] Fishing.

If there's any one phrase that's waaaaay overused in personal profiles on these dating sites it's the phrase 'No Drama Please' (a.k.a. Check Your Drama at the Door; Drama Queens/Kings Need Not Apply, etcetera, etcetera).

Although the word drama is mainly used for the sake of literature and theater to portray life stories inolving conflicts and emotion, dictionary entries also list drama as: a state, situation, or series of events involving interesting or intense conflict of forces.

I can surely understand the sentiment behind the phrase and I speak with all due respect. And although I use the word somewhat loosely here, we ALL have had experience(s) of drama in one form or another in our lives: the loss/death of a friend/loved one/family member involves drama; financial woes and loss of possesions involves drama; custody battles over children, hell, divorce in general involves drama; to name but a few examples which sure as hell aren't funny!

In my opinion, the most dramatic event recorded in history involved the crucifixion of a man without fault. Who of us is so much more perfect that we have no dramatic tales to tell, and then have the audacity (balls!) to request that our potential friends/dates/mates be without it as well?

Being involved in real-life drama is good character training, refines us, makes us strong and extremely appreciative of the drama-less times. So here's a word to the wise before you place that waaaaay overused phrase in your profile: show me a person who has never been involved in a life drama and I'll show you a person who will tuck tail, whimper and run at the first sign of trouble or conflict. Sound like a good 'catch' to you?

Happy fishing!

[Soul] Sigh.

Been thinking so much about all the events that lead to here, how it all feels like a beautiful orchestra with resounding celebratory highs, and delicate strong lows. Lately, I've been noticing and seeing it all so clearly, those tiny micro steps that all lead to the more magnificent picture. I like to weave it all in. It all matters and it all shapes us.  

It all makes me hope that no matter how old I become, no matter what gets thrown my way, no matter the obstacles or the inevitable fears, or the really high highs or the really low lows, I hope that I continue to fully participate in this life. 

To see the beauty everywhere. 

To be brave in sadness, and brave in love. 

To notice when I'm grateful.

To put energy toward what is working and what is right.

To see the blessings and lessons in what doesn't feel right. 

To look to faith and courage as steady beacons that never fail. 

To always feel the full breath of possibility no matter how lovely or how bleak my life seems. 

To thank those who have made a difference in my life, to give back in a way that feels meaningful. 

To manifest and create and celebrate the unfolding of a life in progress.

To acknowledge the preciousness of this day, of this gift. 

I believe everything shapes us and no doubt you've been a beautiful shape in the puzzle of my life. 

[Allow].

When I think back on all my best decisions - the ones that have gone on to define a clear path for my life - they are the decisions that came with an intuition, a hunch, a knowing without knowing kind of pull. I like to think of these kinds of intuitive urges as leading me to my true self. They just never fail. 
I am feeling so full of hope, I can barely stand it. Yesterday, I spent the day with someone. We met earlier this year and we're in pretty constant contact with one another.  Throughout the day I found myself marveling: Is this my life? This is so much fun, How in the world did I get so lucky?  I was challenged to dream even bigger for myself, to step deeper into what could be possible, to be mondo beyondo.  Before yesterday, I never in a million years thought this big, this crazy, this dreamy-  it feels really incredible to have someone else show you what could be. thank you...

Awesome day. I am so full. And I'm indeed learning to trust the abundance.

To those of you who have a longing, an intuitive pull toward something - a conversation, a letting go, an inviting in - whatever it may be, I can't encourage you enough to consider it an important whisper. It's your life calling you. Listen and allow. Listen and allow.  

Turns out self care is a game changer when it comes to dating, relationships and self love. But more on that later...

XO and more soon,
A