Monday, October 29, 2012

Here [Now].

Some things just make me stop.
They remind me to stop.
They make me take notice of exactly where I am.
They remind me to be present.
  • I'm in a happy writing groove
  • I am slowing down to savor the morning drive to school
  • I'm behind on my work (slowly catching up) I think I can...I think I can...
  • I am loving how much my kinders dig school
  • I am seeing Hayden's imagination explode (she's so cool)
  • I can't get eoungh of Hayden's happy-firecracker personality
  • I am so happy Lacey is rocking her pregnancy
  • I have eye troubles
  • I'm working hard to keep my 5Ks a priority
  • I am happy it's tea season!
  • I could not imagine my life without the 2 hearts that make my world turn
  • I'm nervous and excited about a big adventure
  • I'm so grateful for being right here
AND I can feel the pace of life picking up. Pre-holiday craziness. A little bit of TO-DO-list anxiety. Okay. A LOT. I am doing everything that I can to slow down and subtract things from my life. The busy-busy energy of this season is hard to ignore.


If you're wondering what I listen to when I'm writing... a whole lot of this guy. 
In fact, this song - turned up real loud - is on repeat. 
Say what you will about Mr. Mayer... I dig him. I truly do. And I'd let him in.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012


He disappeared, I let him and then said "Next".

Monday, October 15, 2012

[New] Beginning.

Listen to my truths...

[New Beginnings] Those two words together – New Beginnings. They carry so much meaning. I have sat here writing and erasing many times over.  But truly. When I think of all of the blessings that are in my life, the only word I can come up with is THANKFUL. 

This world is so different to me now.  The now.  The here.  The ever present.  The ever me. 
Are you wondering why?  
Because I’ve found a connection that is truthful.  Who can really explain why anyone falls in love? Or why you fall for one person but not another? You can name the things you like about a person but when it comes down to it, it’s uncontrollable who you fall for, whether it’s good for you or not.

For me, the easy and safe answer would have been “no.” I could have given him a long list of reasons why I couldn’t do it.  Then it hit me, hard.  I realized that he fights against every one of his instincts in order to be a good person. THAT’S what makes him beautiful to me.
  With him, the realization came when I started to see how different he is compared to the others around me: he’s kind in a way that others aren’t even after a divorce, he’s self-sacrificing, and he see through to the core of things and it’s why I’ve never been afraid of him, even though I  “should be”.
 I believe we see in each other, what others have missed.

Like a big exhale. Like a glass of wine at the end of a hard day. It was accidental but I totally love it when that kind of thing happens. I love seeing the little + big things that make us different but similar. That's beautiful. Someone wise once told me that saying YES to something is saying NO to something else.  Sometimes the truth isn't beautiful. But sometimes, just sometimes there are those rare moments.  True moments.  This moment.  Sometimes there's beautiful in the truth. 

Beyond that, some connections can’t be fully explained. Some people are just kindred souls.  Some people just have a powerful connection. Not everything in life can be explained.  When we trust our lives to the hand and pen of an unseen but ever-present God, He will write our lives into His story and every last one of them will turn out to be a great read. With a grand ending. And not just in spite of those catastrophes. Often because of them. The fact is, I'm over the moon excited. On stuff I can see and stuff that I sometimes can't.  Don't just wait and see. Live and see.  Life is funny that way, I guess.  And I am listening.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

All A [Flutter].

What makes your heart flutter?
true love.
waking up to sunshine.
falling asleep to rain.
tip of the horizon possibilities.
unearthed courage.
a good idea.
an inspiring conversation.
a new friend.
an old friend.
a new love.
an old love.
feeling like you have just discovered a new set of wings.

There is such sweet and beautiful love in this world. Each breath we are given in this life is extraordinary.  But there are many…many days where I struggle with an internal battle within myself.  More days than not, I strive for perfect.  I’m too hard on myself.  I pray for balance.  I try to do it all.  I wish there were more than 24 hours in one day. I often feel “less than” if the vision of what I dreamt would come to fruition, doesn’t.
But I’m learning to let go.
To accept what is. 
To be thankful for today. 
To know that things can wait for tomorrow. 

[20 ] Years Ago.

20 years ago on October 13, 1992 my life, changed forever.   In a matter of seconds my life came to a screeching halt.  I was left in critical condition with far to many injuries to name.  But the main one.  The lasting one.  The life altering one.  Here to stay.  But by the Grace of God, I was strong and courageous.  Somehow.  Someway. 
I vowed to never question why God chose me…
I vowed to never, EVER take my life for granted one more day…
I vowed to live and love and laugh…
I vowed to be the best friend, daughter and sister…
I vowed to walk closer in my relationship with the Lord…
I vowed to never let fear stop me from accomplishing my dreams and aspirations…
I vowed to prove that I am strong…
I vowed that I would overcome…
I vowed that I would be a living testimony to those around me…

People often ask me how I wake up each morning.  The answer is quite simple; I put my feet on the floor, get into my chair each and every morning and face the day!  There certainly are days that are harder than others and I allow myself to grieve and ride the waves of emotions. 

I sit here today by the Grace of God.  My journey has been extremely difficult and trying.  My recovery and rehabilitation have been excruciating.  But, God had plans for me that did not include giving up. 
I live for today with a hope for tomorrow…
I love life and cherish those that I love…
I have an amazing family and equally amazing friends…
I have nieces and a nephew that rock my world…
The reason I am who I am, the reason that I wake up every morning, and the reason I keep living is to live the story I was given.  Fully. Completely.  And, I have a God that loves me and guides me every step of the way.  What more could a girl ask for? 
I am blessed beyond measure…
 Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

Friday, October 12, 2012

This Time [THAT] Year.

What seem hard right now - by this time NEXT year, might just be a fuzzy memory.
Truths…Gasp. Gulp. Sigh.
There are days, more than few, that I simply cannot grasp the concept. The reality of it. The finality of it. The depth of the scar it has left. The impression it has stamped on the rest of my days.I hope I can help one person by telling my life story because this is how I bring purpose to hardships I have lived.  Everyone has a different story and a different journey. 
People find me easy to talk to and often share with me their most intimate thoughts. Life in a wheelchair raises many deep emotional thoughts and feelings regular people never have the benefit of hearing or have to contemplate.  Love is better than anger and I am SO inspired.  I believe there is more good than bad, lessons in tragedy, and a beautiful ever after waiting for us after our time here is done.
Your journey has molded you for your greater good, and it was exactly what it needed to be. Don’t think that you’ve lost time. There is no short-cutting to life. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the now. And now is right on time.Asha Tyson
When faced with adversity in your life, you can choose fear or faith.  I choose faith.  And while it may sound odd at face value I feel very fortunate in having the insight of a tumultuous experience. Which lo and behold ended up making me become so much more.  I believe we flourish when we do what we're best at.  For me, that’s showing courageous love and strength.  And when I forget about stuff like that I start to leak courage. I forget that I've got it in me.
The quote above - it just hits me in the right place. Life is about adapting + reinvention.  Right?  The heart wants what the heart wants and just to let life unfold. Truths.
 Honest to goodness truths.
What I learned from looking back -20 years ago-- is that there are always things you would change or fix. Sure, there are. The
 in-the-moment feelings are always more intense... but looking back it's the goodness that stands out. The hardness seems less hard.
This time THAT year...