Show [Me].

It turns out that I walk a razor thin line between fear of rejection and not giving a crap. The truth is I’m still pretty indifferent about most people’s feelings about me. I’m comfortable with the person I am and the choices I’ve made with regards to how I live my life. Because of that I generally feel that if a person doesn’t like something about me they are welcome to fuck right off. Seriously. Right off. And this is true for almost everyone I encounter on a daily basis. But not everyone.

There’s another group of people – a very small one mind you – who I’m constantly nervous that I’m going to offend. Or maybe offend is the wrong word, I know I’m going to offend everyone at some time so I’ve given up worrying about that. I’m constantly nervous that they will think less of me. This small group of people, these are the people I genuinely care about. These are the people that I love. The ones I’d be heart broken if they weren’t in my life anymore – so to some extent I guess I’m worried I’ll do something to push them away.

The result of all this is I think I’m much more guarded around people I know than those I don’t. I don’t care what people I don’t know think about me, but I totally care about the ones I do.

In thinking about that, I don’t think that’s unusual. To care about the opinions of people you care about. But when you step back a little bit it’s actually kind of weird. 

Look at this math: 

People I don’t know or causally know + don’t care what they think of me = confident 

// vs // 

People I care about + do care what they think about me = less confident

Do I tell some guy about to back into me that he has no idea how to drive a car? Sure. Do I tell my friend that her taste in music is unoriginal and kinda sucks? Probably not. Do I tell my man my every dirty, sexy and freaky desire? Of course not, like a normal person I keep that shit locked up and just hope he magically reads my mind.  

Doesn’t it seem like maybe that should be reversed? Am I alone on this one? What causes this? Fear? Trust, or lack of it? If the situation was reversed wouldn’t I want the guy I was about to hit with my car to keep his damn mouth shut? Wouldn’t I want to trust that my friends would give me honest opinions?  Wouldn’t I be excited to learn I was seeing to some kind of dirty, sexy freak?

Like usual I don’t have the answers here, but it’s something I’m thinking about. I should more often put on a smiley face for strangers and be more honest and forthcoming with friends? The most honest and forth coming friends I have are generally considered dicks by most everyone else, because most people don’t want honesty. Yet I very much appreciate their candidness and openness. 

Goddess [Perfection].

If I had to rank all the crappy things a guy can do, I’m pretty sure pulling “the disappearing act” would rate fairly high up there.  It’s one of those things that just sucks.  And I mean, it suuuuucks.  In many ways, it can be worse than a full on relationship and break up.  For reals.  

“The disappearing act” happens when a guy drops off the face of the earth.  Suddenly, that guy who was all over you just stops calling and goes dark.  Like pitch black, midnight dark.  You’ll think things like “maybe he was killed in a freak firecracker accident?” or “maybe his phone fell into a puddle and he lost all his numbers?”  Alas, no.  What has happened is you’ve been blown off, sister.  Big time.  And by a man who didn’t have the balls to tell you to your face.  (Or over the phone.  Or even through a lousy text, goshdarnit!) 

 I’ve held a theory for a long time.  Here it is:  Sometimes the hardest “relationships” to get over are the ones that never had a chance to develop fully.  Think about it.  If you go out with a guy for a year or two, you have the opportunity to see it all; the good, the bad, and the downright horrific.  Even if you break up, it will because things will have run their course.  You’ll have closure.  Not so with “the disappearing act.”  Chances are great you never really got to know him.  You were just beginning to get a sense of the kind of boyfriend he’d make and dreaming about a life together.  And all you’re left with is this:  The fantasy of what it could have been and the feeling of “WTF just happened?”  Very often it’s being blindsided that knocks us upside down.

I feel disrespected!  Feels that way, doesn’t it?  You’ll wonder how you could have had that minimal of an impact on his feelings that he could just walk away with no explanation.  You’ll feel dumb for caring so much for a guy who cared so little.  I get it.  But here’s what you have to remember:  Guys DON’T care the way we do.  They DON’T invest the way we do.  At least not as quickly as we do.  So what we think is serious, a man may think is casual.  What we think is potential love, a guy may think is only lust.  It’s just the way it works.

Sometimes your closure is just realizing that this guy is scum.  Sadly, that is very often all the closure you’ll get.  And all you should try to get.  Attempting to force his hand to defend his actions will rarely result in anything good.  You’re not likely to get a real answer.  (Should he actually answer the phone, rest assured the following will be coming out of his mouth:  “Ummmm, I’ve been busy…”  Sound familiar?)  So here’s what you have to do:  Let him disappear.  As tough as it is, it’s really your only recourse.  Do anything else and you’ll either be the dumb chick who bought into his excuses or you’ll come off looking like a desperado, or both.  (Trust me, I’ve been both and it isn’t pretty.)

Since I embarked on this journey striving for “goddess perfection”, I made a vow that I would always try to see the long term impact of my decisions.  I didn’t want to do things I would later regret.
And if he does vanish into thin air anyway?  Well, my bet is he wasn’t much of a prize to begin with.