Friday, April 17, 2015

[Simple] Truths.

I lost a friend this year – no he didn't die.

It was a friendship. This was someone I thought would be my friend forever. I didn't see it coming. I can't understand what happened. I am sitting with tremendous sadness about the dissolving of the friendship.

Sadness and then anger.

Angry at myself.
Angry at the situation. 
Anger at him.

I have never felt so misunderstood. I've been dancing with this for a while. Trying to go back-and-forth in time and break things down. Trying to better understand so I can make it better, fix it and make sure it never happens again. I wanted to explain, clarify and fix. But the hurt is still so intense for me to take this action. Normally I would call to talk it out. I would attempt to resolve it immediately. I just can't. I can't figure out why my thoughts are so paralyzed. 

He told me he needed space but I was so very afraid of what would happen in that space. My impulsiveness wanted to stay connected no matter what. To talk it out, work it out, and make it right.

I kept saying...
I just wanted to know what was true for me. 
I just wanted him to know how much I cared.
I just wanted him to understand.

I often think in my mind, what if something happens... what if he never knows. Saying that out loud made me realize that it wasn't about myself and him. This was about myself and truth. And trusting in what I know to be true for me. In that instant I felt my heart beat slow, my mind quiet and my eyes mist. I silently prayed for some sort of direction. 

And I saw...
I saw how my whole life I have only ever known something was real when someone else confirmed it for me.
I saw how while I know what was true for me I was needing him to understand and confirm it for me so I knew it to be true.
I saw how this had been driving me to push myself well pass what I knew was good for me in so so so many relationships.

I am not one to walk away. I have always prided myself on my perseverance and willingness to work through most anything. This unfortunately has kept me in unhealthy dysfunctional relationships. And keeps me coming back for more. But I am finally listening  and being still.

I feel like I just woke up to an alternate reality where I have a range of choices I never even considered. Perhaps sometimes it's just best to walk away. To let go. I didn't give myself permission to do this before. I've spent a lot of time trying to understand people. Trying to analyze their behaviors and make sense of why they do the things they do and really try to understand what my part was, why I showed up the way I did and how I can change myself to be better and do better.

This of course has its place and can be very useful and important at times, but I can see how it has caught me in a cycle of trying to understand and resolve all the time before even checking in first to see if this is even a place I want to put my energy.

I had no idea how drained I was from not letting go.
I had no idea how much I was blaming and shaming myself. 
I have been thrashing myself for the last few years.

Beating myself up for all the places I could've done better or different as if through the process of punishing myself I would prevent anything "bad "happening again.  I have been expecting such a level of excellence for myself crumbling under my own pressure. 

It has been ME hurting ME.

Oh, how humbling. So I tell you this, this is what I am learning, some simple truths...

Trust that people are who they show you who they are.
Sometimes people are just not a match.
Sometimes it is okay to walk away and let go.
Trust what you know to be true.
After all you are always left with you.

I have had so many people speak to me about the pain of friendships dissolving recently.

I get it. 
I so do. 

Thank you God, I hear your message loud and clear. 
God is good. Always good.

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