Breaking The [Rules].

At a very young age, I had a hard time believing that friendships could ever change, especially with my nearest and dearest. If people were really friends, then there's no way that will ever change...Right?
Sheesh...
That would be true... If people and time stood still, that is.
Simply put: We spend SO much time being cautious, treading lightly or playing by own rule book, we miss the fun in sometimes rolling with the punches and running with a feeling every so often.
What IF, as opposed to not stepping up to someone that catches your eye, you just let it go... Then what? You're left wondering what could have happened. And what fun is there in that?

But I digress.

Random photo, but I still L.O.V.E. it!

Connecting [Dot].

Some dreams take a long time to percolate. I love the idea of trusting in the divine timing of dreams– the notion that they always arrive at exactly the right time. But who has that much faith? Usually, I wonder if I’ve missed my chance, if I’m falling behind, if I didn’t strike while the iron was hot, or if it’s just too late for me.
It always makes sense looking back. “You can’t connect the dots looking forward,” Steve Jobs famously said, “only backwards.” You can see how you weren’t ready, or this needed to happen before that, or you needed to cultivate a particular skill first or meet that one person… It always makes sense looking back. 

NO time is lost.
NO time is wasted.

[Soul] Renovation

Dear you, dear world...my heart is full!

This is a season of transformation, both outside, and inside - inside my soul. Big, beauty-full transformations all around.  Soul work. Good work. Feels good to move things around, get new perspectives, and see things differently.   I've not done this level of eye-opening soul work (soul renovation) in years. Not the kind of work that leaves you sad, but the kind of work that awakens and inspires and transforms.

I can feel the shifting. The rearranging. The falling of the leaves as I also learn to let go. The transformation outside, the glow outside. The glow inside.  My intense delight.  My lightness.  My amazingness. They are so right when they say the truth sets you free. I am in the center of a gorgeous season, with truth and courage leading the way.

[Soul] Purpose.

Taking risks is not easy for everyone.

Who am I kidding? Taking risks is not really easy for anyone. Because taking risks usually means doing something that makes us feel unsure, uncomfortable, unsafe, or uneasy. And that is hard.  Yet, people  take risks every day. Some big and some small. But, no matter the size, or the significance (or even insignificance) of the risk, what does matter is that we stepped out of comfort zone for a while. We pushed ourselves, put ourselves out there, leaped, took the plunge, dove in.  But I'm feeling a 'vulnerability hangover.'

No one is perfect, but we all seem to demand it from ourselves ... and from each other.  The more that I do things that scare me, the more I find out that it does get easier. I gain more confidence. I am a little bit less scared each time. Most importantly, I've discovered whose opinions I really value.  I've started to carry around a list of names in in my wallet of the people who matter to me. Here's a hint: None of them are named "Anonymous."

All I can do is make the best decision I can at any given time with the resources I have. So whilst this road right now feels bumpy and scary as hell, I know I will look back on it at some point with the beauty of hindsight and see the lesson in it. I do know that I am strong enough to ride it out and come out the other side even if I might get some cuts and bruises along the way. So this is me being honest, struggling, reaching out.

Progress not perfection.
I suspect that I'll always deal with the 'vulnerability hangover.' To dare greatly and to allow yourself to embrace vulnerability isn't so much about abandoning fear but -- to borrow from Ambrose Redmoon -- to acknowledge that something is more important than that fear. To face that fear and to be vulnerable means that I know that I'm worth the risk. As for those vulnerability hangovers ... that's why they invented bubble baths.

Amos Lee says it beautifully in his song...Violin.

[I] Am.

"I was walking with my boyfriend, he's so fine"

Vedder is such a badass...

[Right] Now.

TO MAKE A LONG STORY MODERATELY SHORT:
This weekend was pretty swell. Swell is a strange word, but I was clicking along and things were falling into place. Until the RIGHT NOW happened.

...I know that RIGHT NOW I am enjoying a few moments of silence...
...I know that RIGHT NOW I feel torn and distracted......I know that RIGHT NOW like everything else that I do, I need to figure it out for myself...
...I know that RIGHT NOW a decade of choices I didn't always understand lead me to right where I want to be...
...I know that RIGHT NOW I'm figuring out the difference between what I thought and what it is...
...I know that RIGHT NOW straight up cheer is bliss and should be bottled because that stuff is intoxicating...
...I know that RIGHT NOW I'm definitely not claiming to be innocent in life - I'm slipping...
...I know that RIGHT NOW I adjust accordingly...
...I know that RIGHT NOW I'm losing my patience and interest in the things that aren't nuturing me...
...I know that RIGHT NOW I'm doing something about it and that is all good... 
...I know that RIGHT NOW I only know what is right now...

I DIDN'T KNOW THIS THEN. And now I do.  Right NOW. That's all I know. 

[Sparkle] + Sparks.

The greatest achievements were at first and for a time dreams. -James Allen

Happy November. YAY. Only 2 months left in the year and I feel like I'm just getting going. That's okay. It is what it is. Bummer for 2012, but hopefully it will mean nothing but bliss in 2013. 

Sometimes there is something that happens, some big thing (like a lightning bolt of awareness) or some small thing (a sight or smell or sound) that reminds you of the tiny seed of a dream you once had. You're taken back to the time when that seed just began to take shape and you can trace back the markers along the way; the little successes, the setbacks, and the many milestones. You are reminded of the journey and how nothing was ever wasted and that what you knew and felt, intangibly, deep in your heart would eventually be made tangible in some way.

Sparkle. Sparkle. Sparkle. 

Today, tonight, this week, I am reminded that dreams of mine come true.   I am deeply grateful.