Tuesday, March 26, 2013

[Open] Hearts Fresh Starts.

I'm trying to stay focused on the things I need to do to make my hopes + wishes come to life. When pessimism sneaks into my mix I take a step back, turn off the Internet, stop listening to the outside world and turn to my creating. Oh and I write notes to myself. Which is weird, but I can get away with stuff like that because I'm weird.  

I get eccentricity for free. 

I've been doing a lot of thinking these days.  Good things.  Bad things.  The things.  I haven't talked about it because I haven't had the words...I couldn't even go there. It was too heavy to be spoken. I felt like I was looking up from the bottom of a swimming pool. So dark at the bottom and becoming clearer and clearer towards the surface.  Because that's how I felt. I felt forgotten. I felt empty. And sad. And broken. And really, really scared. My body broke down I felt like I was drowning. And I have never felt sadness like that before. I couldn't put words to those feelings.  Actually, I probably could, but I was afraid to face such an ugly truth. I didn't want to be here. Worst time ever.

And in retrospect - it was very good. It was okay. It's good to see what you can endure and good to see how life sorts itself out. The friends who are friends and the loves who are loves rise to the top like cream. And then you live in the cream of life. It's nice.

And so now... this big thought that makes my heart bleed... Well, I am thinking different thoughts.  Something new here. The thoughts, well they are surely connected, but on opposite sides of the spectrum. I feel good. 

The new thoughts are something that makes my heart feel light, but reminded.

I am grateful for every single day that I can get out of bed and free fall in this passion of mine.


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