Being Lost, Now [Found].

Life is kind of a genius. It's this constant flow between shadow and light.  I finally feel like I’m coming home to myself. To that place where the old me and the me of today are meeting up and finally getting on the same page.  I laugh more. I feel lighter (physically and emotionally). I’m working on not taking things so darn seriously all the time (this is an ongoing battle). I smile easier. I’m much quicker to say yes to impromptu adventures.

I want to be living the length and the width.

This also translates to my dating life. I feel like it’s been a long time since I’ve felt the actual heart-pounding delight – almost like a high – that comes from meeting someone new. It’s felt when I make messes and experiment and what if this happens with this instead of this. 

It's those things...

It's the tiny little text messages that really don't say much...

It's the sharing of souls through music...

It's the everyday sharing of information...

It's the time it takes to share a photo...

It's the pointless smiley faces...

It's the openness...

It's the non-judgmental...

It's the follow through...

It's those things...

I felt that way today while texting someone. It was a letting go of perfection, of holding on too tight (it's like when you swallow something wrong and can't catch your breath). I'm also now simply taking the time to allow for fun within the realm of the ‘dating’ things I do already.

I think it’s also a reason I haven’t dated as much or shared as much of my story in this space. I’ve found my voice again bit by bit (Who was I before? Who am I now?). And I think reclaiming the “fun” me is definitely a part of it.

I still feel lost at times. Scared. Unsure. Sad. Just this past week I had “one of those days” and was emotionally spent.  It essentially boiled down to me needing to be reminded that I need to find happiness within myself first and foremost. At times I see it.  At times I don't see it. I have to own, all the way through my bones, that I really am enough.

Music has been a great catalyst of fun for me. I have a physical reaction to music. I play it loud in the car. I play it loud at home. I’ve been attending and making plans to see live music. I’ve been making time for old and new friends and we laugh and drink and eat and make merry and listen to music and I remember the lighter parts of myself that existed before the layers of years and responsibility and stress and loss and experience - that whole crazy combination life that includes all the awesome stuff as well as the things that are really hard.

I’ve learned that I have to allow and create opportunities for myself to have fun, personally as well as in my dating life.

And I have to let go.

And I have to be open.

So here I go, trying to fearlessly live the length and the width, inviting in the fun.