[Still].

"Time it stills and time it slows...as for me...show me where the wind blows...show me where the wind blows..."

I remember it so vividly, in my kitchen cooking over a glass of red wine and discussing Bon Iver's album,"For Emma, Forever Ago."  We ooh'd and aah'd over the song, Skinny Love in which I mentioned my favorite line, "...and in the morning I'll be with you, but it will be a different kind..." Weeks later, the world grew quiet and life stilled and I was left thinking of that lyric over and over and over again.  

The shift was immense.  

Heavy. 

You would think after years, I would be able to grasp onto the reality.  I'm not sure if it's a coping mechanism or a fear that one day I'll have to admit, and I mean really admit, that the time of life really finished.  My brain cannot grasp the concept.  I am cautious about the days that I let myself "go there" because the walk back is a hard and arduous one...

The first year truly was a blur for me.  A slow tiptoe of putting one foot in front of the other and reminding myself to breathe. The second year reality started to burrow in, the blur faded, and  I was left to face the spinning world head on.  The third year my grief took on a whole new meaning...no longer solely my own, but an ache that was left go.  

...As I have said before...life is a gentle cycle of letting people in and letting others go.  

Constant and revolving. 

The fourth year? Well, that I do not know.  I do know that I made a promise to myself and my family that I would live in the here and now, love the people who are in my here and now,  and be grateful for what I have in my life.  I thank God every day.  I am ever so grateful. 

Today time stills all over again. I don't want to wish the day away for a life that is now unfamiliar to me.  I do want to reminisce about the Good put into this world.  I want to be thankful. Grateful. Happy. ...because I'm here...and for forever how long...my life is better for it...

XO

[Hello] Again.

HELLO.

I strive for simple. 

Adore Pretty. 

Hate clutter. 

Believe life is a gift. 

I have suffered loss and have received many blessings in return. My family and our life together is my reason for everything I do. Little things - tea, bubble baths, vintage, golden light, the color pink - make me happy. 

It has been proven to me over and over again that, if you look close enough, there is beauty in everything.

Wobbly In-Between [Space].

Every positive change–every jump to a higher level of energy and awareness–involves a rite of passage. Each time to ascend to a higher rung on the ladder of personal evolution, we must go through a period of discomfort, of initiation. I have never found an exception.

-Dan Millman, author of Way of the Peaceful Warrior

I love this quote and the re-frame he offers: That even in the midst of the discomfort, you can know that this is initiation. This is you growing into something more — deeper, wiser, more awake + more compassionate. It’s a lovely big-picture way to hold whatever big shifts are going on in your life right now.

I spoke with a friend yesterday and when she asked me how I was, I found myself saying, “I don’t have words for it yet, but I know that I am experiencing a shift. I am moving towards a different way of being as a follower of christ + teacher. I am moving toward something more intimate and grounded, something that feeds me in deep ways and creates even more powerful connections to the people I serve.”

After I said it I was surprised by how true it felt. I didn’t even realize that I was in the midst of change until the words came out of my mouth! But there it was.

I would guess that if we are awake + conscious in our lives, that we are almost always in a state of becoming. Becoming more ourselves by honoring who we are in bigger and deeper ways.

But what I want to acknowledge today is that the awkward messy phase of an initiation is full of discomfort and doubt. We will question everything — if we are on the right path, if we are up to the task, or if we should just quit altogether. It’s tempting to judge ourselves especially, to say we are lost or broken. You’re a mess, get your shit together, why can’t you be like so and so… But I’m here to say this: that life is often that messy middle place and our capacity to find comfort (and perspective) there can make all the difference.

I am humbled, once again, by going down the road I didn’t want to go down, but needed too. By opening the door I was afraid to open.  Perhaps if we can all hold each other’s wobbly in-between space, we can find more strength to move through the fire.

[Love] To You.

I love LOVE. 

And I know that Valentine's Day gets a little skewed in terms of commercialisms and relationship statuses and all that weird jazz. But, at the end of the day IT'S ABOUT LOVE. 

Love each other.
Love the earth.
Love life.
Love family.
Love friends.
Love whatever.
Love whomever.
Love penguins for goodness sake.

I don't think it's all that bad to have a day that celebrates LOVE. And truly - some of us never see the LOVE IN THE EVERY DAY... even with a bunch of sugary sweets to remind us.

I feel an overwhelming love for so many things.

I love.

I will be loving as much and as many things as I can.
FOR SURE, there are pink cupcakes on the menu and a couple of adventures on the books. I think I'm going to wear pink, too. Just to keep it real. ;)

GO LOVE!

Welcome [Distraction].

Work keeps our mind active. It keeps us out of trouble. When we’re not working our hands are idol and the devil will find work for idol hands and when you have an idol mind, that’s the devil’s playground too.

At first, idleness can seem like a welcome distraction, the trouble making, the fun. Everyone needs some idol times to focus on something other than work. Even if it means focusing on something that’s a little bit scary. Stepping back from work is the only way to get perspective and it’s only when we have everything in perspective, that we remember where our hands truly belong.

I'm clear again in the ways I want to inhabit my life. I want to be awake and alive and purposeful and let go of some of the negativity I've been holding on to this past year. It's an ongoing, likely life-long process and I'm okay with that. 

Sometimes those daring adventures of life are really freaking hard and I wish I could get off the ride. It's all about perspective and taking it one day at a time. 

No Capes, Just [Courage].

This is me.

Imperfect. 
Open-hearted. 
Committed to a life of joy.

I'm a seeker. 
I want to know how to be more brave, feel more connected to spirit + create a gorgeous life.

Never underestimate a woman with a prayer and a plan. She is strong. 
Proverbs 31

[Thrive].

My One Little Word for 2015 is thrive.

This year, more than any other I can remember, I'm starting off the year with questions. What does it mean for me to thrive? What does it look like? What does it fee like? Are there areas in which I'm already thriving? What's realistic vs. visions of what I have in my head of what it means to thrive?

To me thriving is optimal living. It's being present and awake and stepping up to be my best self physically, emotionally, spiritually, creatively and within my relationships.

It's not a quest for perfection. It's an opportunity to continue choosing to let go of things outside of my control and to figure out who that best-me-right-now really is.

It will be a whole new journey and I'm here to tell you I welcome it wholeheartedly.

Bring on 2015...

[Grateful] Heart.

When you open your eyes each morning - you don't know what the day will bring. But when you close your eyes each night you know how you contributed to the things you couldn't control.

This week did not go exactly how I expected, but I have found a peaceful resolution. I felt heard. At times I felt scared and overwhelmed. I also felt like I made a positive contribution to an important conversation.

I will look back on today and know I did my best, I spoke from my heart and I saw goodness in people.

Thank you from my grateful heart.

The [Spaces] Between.

Hello old friends. I am not lost. I am nestled in a nice spot where I feel very much like all the randomness of my life makes perfect sense. Not easy seamless sense - hard-working working intense sense. Satisfying, exhausting, inspiring. GOOD SENSE.

I've been very conscious of where I put my time, what calls to me, and what that looks like. 
I've been spreading myself too thin and too thick. 
I've been chasing feelings that fit right. I've been standing up for myself. 
I've been laying down. 
I've been learning. 
I've been nurturing my soul. 
I've been loving on my loves. 
I've been finding the space between stars where I simply am who I am... not necessarily who others want me to be.

It's so awesome. And it's hard.

It's always hard to leap after the WHAT-IFs instead of the SHOULDs. 

It's hard to cut a new path - even if that path is very close to the old one. 

It's hard to take risks. 

It's hard to put in the time.

But it's worth it.

Another [Story].

I don’t care what you do or what you own. I just want to know who you are. I want to know your uniqueness, the experiences you’ve had and the learnings you’ve gained. I want to know your story.

What is your story? Everyone has one. No two stories are the same. There are over 7 billion people in this world and none are like you. You are unique. Your entire life journey including your upbringing, challenges, your hard learned lessons, your experiences, achievements and gifts, are all a series of footprints that have brought you to this very moment in time as you read these words.