[Still].

"Time it stills and time it slows...as for me...show me where the wind blows...show me where the wind blows..."

I remember it so vividly, in my kitchen cooking over a glass of red wine and discussing Bon Iver's album,"For Emma, Forever Ago."  We ooh'd and aah'd over the song, Skinny Love in which I mentioned my favorite line, "...and in the morning I'll be with you, but it will be a different kind..." Weeks later, the world grew quiet and life stilled and I was left thinking of that lyric over and over and over again.  

The shift was immense.  

Heavy. 

You would think after years, I would be able to grasp onto the reality.  I'm not sure if it's a coping mechanism or a fear that one day I'll have to admit, and I mean really admit, that the time of life really finished.  My brain cannot grasp the concept.  I am cautious about the days that I let myself "go there" because the walk back is a hard and arduous one...

The first year truly was a blur for me.  A slow tiptoe of putting one foot in front of the other and reminding myself to breathe. The second year reality started to burrow in, the blur faded, and  I was left to face the spinning world head on.  The third year my grief took on a whole new meaning...no longer solely my own, but an ache that was left go.  

...As I have said before...life is a gentle cycle of letting people in and letting others go.  

Constant and revolving. 

The fourth year? Well, that I do not know.  I do know that I made a promise to myself and my family that I would live in the here and now, love the people who are in my here and now,  and be grateful for what I have in my life.  I thank God every day.  I am ever so grateful. 

Today time stills all over again. I don't want to wish the day away for a life that is now unfamiliar to me.  I do want to reminisce about the Good put into this world.  I want to be thankful. Grateful. Happy. ...because I'm here...and for forever how long...my life is better for it...

XO