Impatient For [Patience].

You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.
-Christopher Columbus

You know when you're going through a period of hardship and everyone always says "There's got to be something you're supposed to learn from it?" 

Some hidden gem or knowledge that's supposed to make you even more whole? Or some piece of yourself you've never experienced or known before?

We've all been there.

But what I'm thinking about... isn't just a period in my life.

What I'm thinking about...

Even after trying to convince myself that it's not worth my energy.
That the "problem" will only ever go away if I can finally stop worrying about it.
If I can somehow, even if it's just for a day, forget that it doesn't make me ache inside.

Forget that it makes me feel unwanted.
Forget that it makes me doubt everything and anything I've ever believed in.
Forget that it makes me second-guess my decision to be different. Different than most other gals you'll meet. 

Ambitious, kind-hearted, genuine... but really picky. Someone who won't date just for the sake of dating. One of the gals you always say you "want to end up with one day."

Forget that it's not really the man or the relationship that I crave.

It's the knowing that someone will think about me that way. Be the first one they think about when they wake up, and the last one before going to bed. 

And wanting for that day to be today. Or yesterday, for that matter.

My entire life, everyone has always said that waiting is the best way to learn how to be patient. To learn more about myself before I let someone in close enough to see the corners of my heart. To be secure in my beliefs, my self-worth and my values.

But here's the thing.
I've been patient my entire life.

And if I'm being completely honest, I'm a little frustrated with being patient.  I've convinced myself for so long that patience will pay off someday, that I think I may have forgotten what it feels like to chase after something.

Something unknown…

Something a little bit dangerous..

Something completely outside my comfort zone…

I don't have a problem with being patient. Because I do believe that good things come to those who wait. But what I do have problem with, is that being patient for this long has convinced me that simply waiting around is enough.

…That I don't have to fight for it.

…That one day, someone will magically appear.

…That my love story will finally begin, for real.

A while ago, I was sitting in a hotel room with a group of girls (all fabulous and successful and kindhearted, truly amazing women), spilling a heart full of frustration and impatience and secrets. I told them that I was ok with waiting for the right person to walk into my life, at the right time.

Because I do believe strongly in faith, fate & good timing. I know it'll happen for me. I know that it's a seed sown deeply in my heart, and that He knows it's something I truly long for.

Instead of telling me - yet again - that I just have to be patient, one of the women looked me in the eye and said... "Are you sure you're really looking? Are you putting yourself in new opportunities and opening yourself up to trying new things and taking risks?

Considering I still remember it so well even now, what she said must've scared the [crap] out of me.

I'm good at pursuing men, if I'm being honest.

I'm scared of commitment, if I'm being honest.

I’m terrified of letting someone in close enough to see my flaws, if I'm being honest.

There are a million reasons why I could convince myself that "it's just not the right time for me right now." And I have, believe me.  But I feel like it's time for something different. So instead, I'm going to be bold and say that it is the right time for me right now.

I'm going to start learning to take the confidence that I have in myself, my faith in knowing that he's going to be an important part of my life one day, and the trust I have in Him for bringing us together... and combine them all to start learning how to fight, for the first time.

Here's to chapter one.

[All] My Cards On The Table.

Letting go has never been easy, but holding on can be as difficult. Yet strength is measured not by holding on, but by letting go.
-Len Santos

I’m not looking to fill a loneliness void.

I’m not looking to be healed.

I’m not looking for one sided love.

I’m not looking for someone to complete me.

I’m looking to share time & companionship, together.

I’m looking to learn & grow, together.

I’m looking to share love & passion, together.

I’m looking to share souls & completeness, together.

I have a lot of love to give.  I want to share it with someone who also has a lot of love to give.  Possibly, I might want to have children with whom to also share and show what love is all about.  I want to learn and grow with someone who also wants to learn and grow.  I want to share time, companionship, love-making, laughter and play with someone with whom I feel deeply connected.

It’s been a long time since I've put my heart out into the world in this way. Honestly, I’m incredibly nervous, excited, and reminded how important it is to answer our calls and be brave.

But I also have to stop and remember that I am wonderful way before this person enters my life, and I will continue to be wonderful if I never see or hear from this person ever again. 

I Heart [Your] Heart.

because…

You inspire me to reach + grow + BECOME who I was meant to be…

because…

You’ve TAUGHT me so much about love, trust, friendship & hope…

because…

You have been witness to my life in progress, ALWAYS showing grace in times when YOU COULD HAVE shown judgment…

because…

When I think of those who have DEEPLY, PROFOUNDLY affected my life, I think of you…

because…

You ALWAYS know what to say & how to kindly nurture my tender pieces (thank you)…

because…

You’ve laughed with me, cried with me, celebrated with me, you see me CLEARLY, and I see you…

May we always be connected in our traveling journeys and may you always know how DEEPLY you are LOVED, how YOUR LIFE shines brightly, and how your heart is never alone.  I count my lucky starts for you…

EVERY. SINGLE. DAY

But this man, HE, he says it so much better than me!

Around [Here] Lately.

Life has been moving at such a beautiful, swift pace lately. All good. I've been practicing letting go of my need to contain it all or even capture it all, really - or that bad habit of telling myself that I'm overwhelmed (that would be my inner child in the driving seat vs my adult self - really good perspective/shift that has been hugely helpful). Dreams and ideas and life and love and work and self-care are happening over here and I've been in that place of taking it all in. And loving it all. 

I've been deep into visioning how I'd like to get some dreams + ideas out of my body and into the world in 2014. Last week I spent three entire days radiating, dreaming big, and getting it all out of my heart and mind to someone.  It was a nice feeling.  

You know how sometimes our bodies feel the intensity of energy before big events- important conversations, nerves around new beginnings - that sort of thing? That's what this feels like. I very much feel on the cusp of some big happenings and I can barely wait to share it with you...

[Texting].

Texting. I have issues with texting. The real issue is that texting is ubiquitous and it’s not going anywhere soon. Instead of using it as a way to say hi or let you know he’s running late, it becomes a crutch for real relationship communication. These days, there are men who use it as the ONLY way of keeping in touch, texting is a shitty form of communication.

If the guy doesn’t respond, ignores your requests for phone time, and treats the phone as if it’s only a means to text, you know what you do?

You cut him loose. No emotion. Matter of fact.

“You seem like a good guy, [Insert Name], but I’m not looking for a texting buddy, I’m looking for a boyfriend. And since all you’ve done is text me daily for the past sixteen months without any increased effort, I’m going to take that as a sign that you’re not that interested in a relationship. No hard feelings. I wish you the best of luck in your search. Take care.”

Don’t be afraid that you’re losing your potential boyfriend. You’re not. You’re freeing yourself of the burden of waiting for an indifferent man to show you he cares. If he cared about you, he’d WANT to call you, WANT to see you, WANT to commit to you.

The texter has already shown his stripes. All you’re doing is calling him on it.

Losing My [Mind].

Glioma, fibroma, blastoma. Whatever the tumor, people assume you approach it the same way. You find its hiding place in the body then open the patient up and you cut it the hell out. But you’re not just fighting the one tumor, you’re actually at war with over a billion cells.

So how do you beat the odds when it’s one against a billion? 
You stand strong, keep pushing yourself past all rational limits and never let yourself give up. 
But the truth of the matter is, despite how hard you try and fight to stay in control, when it’s all said and done, sometimes you’re just out numbered.

Owner Of A Lonely [Heart].

I never mean to screw up. 
I make a bad call and the unthinkable happens. 
It’s not like I do it on purpose. 
It’s not like I want to hurt anyone. 
But sometimes I do, sometimes I make mistakes. 
And when I blow it, I'm sorry. Not that being sorry really matters, not anymore. No apology in the world matters now.

We’ve all done things we aren’t proud of. I understand that. I know nobody’s perfect but how do you live with it? How do you get up every morning and face the world knowing you could’ve done better, that you should’ve done better. 

Is sorry enough? 
Can an apology actually heal our wounds? 
Ease our pain? 
Can it undone the hurt we’ve caused?