Monday, December 30, 2013

Impatient For [Patience].

You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.
-Christopher Columbus

You know when you're going through a period of hardship and everyone always says "There's got to be something you're supposed to learn from it?" 
Some hidden gem or knowledge that's supposed to make you even more whole? Or some piece of yourself you've never experienced or known before?

We've all been there.

But what I'm thinking about... isn't just a period in my life.

What I'm thinking about...
Even after trying to convince myself that it's not worth my energy.
That the "problem" will only ever go away if I can finally stop worrying about it.
If I can somehow, even if it's just for a day, forget that it doesn't make me ache inside.

Forget that it makes me feel unwanted.
Forget that it makes me doubt everything and anything I've ever believed in.
Forget that it makes me second-guess my decision to be different. Different than most other gals you'll meet. 
Ambitious, kind-hearted, genuine... but really picky. Someone who won't date just for the sake of dating. One of the gals you always say you "want to end up with one day."

Forget that it's not really the man or the relationship that I crave.
It's the knowing that someone will think about me that way. Be the first one they think about when they wake up, and the last one before going to bed. 
And wanting for that day to be today. Or yesterday, for that matter.

My entire life, everyone has always said that waiting is the best way to learn how to be patient. To learn more about myself before I let someone in close enough to see the corners of my heart. To be secure in my beliefs, my self-worth and my values.

But here's the thing.
I've been patient my entire life.
And if I'm being completely honest, I'm a little frustrated with being patient.  I've convinced myself for so long that patience will pay off someday, that I think I may have forgotten what it feels like to chase after something.
Something unknown…
Something a little bit dangerous..
Something completely outside my comfort zone…

I don't have a problem with being patient. Because I do believe that good things come to those who wait. But what I do have problem with, is that being patient for this long has convinced me that simply waiting around is enough.
…That I don't have to fight for it.
…That one day, someone will magically appear.
…That my love story will finally begin, for real.

A while ago, I was sitting in a hotel room with a group of girls (all fabulous and successful and kindhearted, truly amazing women), spilling a heart full of frustration and impatience and secrets. I told them that I was ok with waiting for the right person to walk into my life, at the right time.

Because I do believe strongly in faith, fate & good timing. I know it'll happen for me. I know that it's a seed sown deeply in my heart, and that He knows it's something I truly long for.

Instead of telling me - yet again - that I just have to be patient, one of the women looked me in the eye and said... "Are you sure you're really looking? Are you putting yourself in new opportunities and opening yourself up to trying new things and taking risks?

Considering I still remember it so well even now, what she said must've scared the [crap] out of me.
I'm good at pursuing men, if I'm being honest.
I'm scared of commitment, if I'm being honest.
I’m terrified of letting someone in close enough to see my flaws, if I'm being honest.

There are a million reasons why I could convince myself that "it's just not the right time for me right now." And I have, believe me.  But I feel like it's time for something different. So instead, I'm going to be bold and say that it is the right time for me right now.

I'm going to start learning to take the confidence that I have in myself, my faith in knowing that he's going to be an important part of my life one day, and the trust I have in Him for bringing us together... and combine them all to start learning how to fight, for the first time.

Here's to chapter one.

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