Pretendships.

I'm always deep in thought about relationships. Mainly because I'm never sure how they exactly work. People who know me consider me socially outgoing. Yet I doubt my own integrity. Do I have what it takes to really be someone's friend?I think I think this way because of the relationship I had with *Drew -- I anaylze over and over again what went wrong. I even go back further to relationships with other old friends a decade or more back -- I'm searching for clues, perhaps in the effort to not make the same mistakes again, stung by nostalgia, and soured a little with the worry that I might be the cause for break-ups. Thing is, I've realized, that it takes two people to be friends, and it takes the same two people to not be friends anymore. I've also come to the realization that I don't believe most people honor their friendships as well as they should. To be a friend is not as important as being family, but it should be just as important because human beings need each other to survive. Looking back on comments I've said and heard from others in the past, I begin to see a pattern emerge, and I think I've pin-pointed the things that draw people away that I have no control over:

1. Change: the biggest killer of friendships. As soon as one person changes, while the other stays relatively the same, difference in circumstances naturally supports estrangement.

2. Physical Distance: besides change, vast physical distances can force a wedge between people. My best friend is no longer living next door, she's in a another suburb, information is exchanged by phone or mail, but the friend is just no longer there. Physical distance can build a barrier that can gradually make a friend less of a support system.

3. Neglect: forgetting to exchange vital information, or taking for granted the availability of a friend by putting off sharing information, can influence a growing-apart and can communicate to your friend that you don't care. This is one thing I've noticed a lot of men are guilty of. Men just seem to have a habit of not talking or sharing as much. Women interpret that as neglect and are less prone to hook-up with a guy friend if he's too stand-offish.

4. Manipulation or Domination: when one friend is the one pushing for doing only what he wants, or neglects to listen to what you have to say, the behavior is read as the beginning of the end of a friendship. When you're more concerned with yourself that you fail to notice what is important to someone else, there's definitely something rotting in Denmark, my friends.

5. Betrayal of Trust: this can happen in so many ways, but as soon as it does happen, it's nearly feels impossible to heal. You may not even realize you've let someone down and they're not likely to forget that either! How does betrayal happen? Here's my list of betrayals big and small:

a. Breaking a promise
b. Not living up to an expectation
c. Sharing a secret or intimate knowledge about your friend with a stranger
d. Using something without the other's permission
e. Forgetting something important or meaningful to the other
f. Using a friend for an ulterior motive
g. No longer keeping a friend in your confidence (a cessation of communication is the same as lying; not telling the truth or keeping something secret from your friend is also a betrayal)

I'm sure many of you out there can find more examples of betrayal, and it is very easy to focus on the negative side of things, but why don't we skip ahead to how can we fix things?

First off, if a friend proves to be toxic there is probably a good reason for them to stay out of your life. For example, after you've suffered a bad break with a friend, and they come back, if you get sick that could be your body telling you that you're not ready to deal with them. Sad to say, the memory of a break-up can come back to haunt you as soon as you see or hear from the ex-friend. If you want to forgive, do so NOT at the other person's bidding. And if you want to be forgiven, give your old pal some appropriate time to heal.

I've found that, after dealing with friends who've hurt me, time and distance does help. But what's best is maintaining a stress-free, friendly, no-high-expectations attitude. This means that, no matter how tempting it is, don't bring up unresolved conflicts from the past up right away. You gotta let your old pal buddy up to you, let him let you sniff them out and determine how boundaries have changed. If you need to resolve something in the past, make sure the friend knows that it's something you need to do in order to move on and that you're not bringing up crap out of some sense of getting them back for what they did. Most of the time I've realized that the other person really didn't have a clue that you were all that hurt. I think that's the hardest thing of all; how some things can be so important to me, yet be of so little importance to someone I love.

I often wonder, how could we let that happen? According to recent surveys, more than half of Americans are not getting married and preferring to, what my mother would call "living in sin." But I digress...

I guess I have issues with just being the perpetual friend. I don't mind being a buddy, but when it comes to other bonds of love, it seems to me that being "just friends" is not what we're told it should be. We choose our friends to be the family we didn't get to choose to have, yet our friends can also prove to be something of a "disposable family" that we can just as easily leave behind or neglect as an abusive parent does to their child. Maybe that's slightly too harsh a way to describe that, but it does harken to how we feel when a friendship ends; there's that deep imprinted sense of abandonment that makes us less prone to seek out new friendships because we don't want to go through that feeling again.

I think what I need to do is discover new ways to honor my friends, and to make sure I'm honored as a friend by others. First off, I think we need to define what the state of being a friend is:

1. Friends have a tendency to desire what is best for each other, not what is best for just the one.

2. Sympathy and empathy; a friend doesn't have to be a mind {or a heart} reader, they just have to relate to what you are going through.

3. Friends are honest with each other, and because of this, they can trust each other to speak the truth, even under difficult circumstances.

4. The ability to understand, or, in the act of attempting understanding, a friend proves them self worthy of mutual appreciation.

5. There's also a kind of strange kinship unequaled in other relationships that can bond people closer together than just a mere acquaintence, or even in a lover relationship. Friends relate to each other like they would a sibling, but unlike with a blood relative, they can share things they wouldn't normally do with family.

6. Friends share a sort of affection that is as strong as the emotional love between lovers, but the affection does not come with a sexual longing. Hugging seems to be one type of an emotional exchange, to let the other know you care -- even the holding of a hand can give a physical indication that your friend knows what you are going through, that you are not alone. This, in itself, cannot repair physical and emotional damage caused to you by someone/thing else, but it serves as support.

Sanctified by all religions, friendship is integral to the human experience and is as important as all other major relationships a person has in their life. Yet is it in decline? It's sad to not be able to reach out to a male friend only for him to flinch at your touch when you're trying to support him emotionally. Even worse is the awkwardness between friends who are married to other people!

So how can people be cool to each other? Well, maybe everybody should do as I do: fail to shut-up about it and keep bringing it up as something important to discuss. We may not be living in ancient times, and there are boundaries between people now that you can't avoid, but that shouldn't mean that friends can't make their relationships as sacred as marriage vows.

I just wish the rest of the world would just stop ... & consider it. What would you do to make your friends smile?