Thursday, May 28, 2009

100% whole.

I'm all over the place over here.
In a really funny + awkward + strange place.
Things are changing rapidly + the truth is that i'm having a hard time keeping up.
I'm trying to keep my cool by asking for help, reaching out to my friends for support, and convincing myself that i've got a good plan to make it to the other side of this growth spurt.

It's so strange for me to consider all that has happened in my life the past few months .
I am so grateful.
But sometimes I also feel totally shell shocked + lost in the momentum of it all.
My heart wants to touch down in a way that feels solid + joyful every single day.
But every single day i'm behind, losing ground, and simply not able to keep up.
And the guilt - what a force that is.

So yes, that's where I am this week: stumbling my way through, trying to have compassion for my life in progress, and allowing the pressure + anxiety to slip away one permission at a time.
I'm working on a plan to make it all manageable but I know it will take time.
And maybe I should just throw manageable out the window and consider accepting the haphazard/craziness of it all and lean in - sometimes that's the best solution.
It can be so hard to discern what's best sometimes, can't it?

In the mix of it all, i've been working on a bunch of goodness that has me excited to the bones - it's all in the behind the scenes stage but i gotta say, it feels like i'm birthing something big + good + bright even if at this exact moment if feels more like overwhelm.
I know this is all a part of it.
That struggle + friction are mixed in with brightness + joy.
That we have the capacity to hold all of these parts.
That we can be fragmented, patchworked, and broken to pieces, yet still remain 100% whole.

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