Goodbye 2012, Hello 2013.

It's nearly the very, very end of 2012. Wow. That is worth a whisper of grace if you ask me... what an accomplishment - to make it around the sun one more time. As we prepare to say goodnight to 2012 - around these parts I am busy cleaning up, rearranging, and preparing to welcome 2013 in with open arms. And a long list of wishes, goals, hopes and dreams.

Dear 2012,

You were good to me - as good as a year can be and I thank you for that. You were littered with gems + fireworks except for when you were soft with tears. And I couldn't fault you for mixing it up like that because there is no joy without some sadness...I get that. I get that in a humbled way that makes my heart want to crack sometimes. I can't thank you enough for blessing me with Logan + Liam - they're happy, healthy and perfect.  

How the hell did a whole year go by and I’m still SINGLE?  Ah, such is life and I will continue trudging on until I find him.  But, seriously… where is he?  Now for some small facts that around over the halfway mark of this year - amidst the goodness - I began dating online.  I learned a ton about people - more than I have wanted to know at times. Since late August, I dated … drum roll please… The Farmer Guy, The Tech Guy, The Other Tech Guy, and The Professor.  But, I digress.  When I first jumped on the online dating train, I was nervous.  Nervous to have my photo and info out there and nervous that I would meet someone, they would be a crazy killer and I would be drugged and chopped up into a bunch of pieces. But again, I digress.  What I’ve learned the hard way, every date just gets you closer to the “one” right? And sometimes you need to put yourself out there and see what happens.
And I guess if we're being totally honest, as much as it hurts - thank you for giving me the opportunity to let them all go with the dignity that they all deserve.

You're alright 2012.

I'm alright, too.
Thanks 2012. You were memorable.

Love you, Mean It!

[Me]

Happy trails. NOW LET'S DO SOME CELEBRATING.
To you and yours - make 2013 what you need.

[I] Like.

I like Starbucks.  Yum!
I like antacids that take heartburn and punch it in the groin.
I like things that sparkle.
I like good news.
I like feeling appreciated.
I like making lists.
I like clean sheets.
I like freshly bathed small people.
I like finding the perfect gift.
I like wrapping presents.
I like researching things.
I like online shopping.
I like my family most of the time.
I like working washers.
I like blogging because it keeps me connected.
I like new towels that are white + soft.
I like boots.
I like feeling.
I like hot showers.
I like naps.
I like an organized INBOX.

I don't like running out of time or feeling like I let people down... which happens more than I'm cool with lately. Booo.

Soul[Mate].

In love I become someone who has a history of being disappointed by those who promised to love her forever, to cherish her unconditionally. The scars and bruises of these rejections lay close below the surface, unassuming to the naked eye, but brutal when poked and prodded.

The message wrapped up in that bruised ego is this: You are too much. No one will ever be able to handle being around you for good.

I used to describe myself as though I had a roulette wheel in my body where my heart was supposed to be. That over the years, I had worked and I had healed from much of the hurt that I had encountered, but every once and a while the wheel would turn and the ball would fall straight through a hole. In that hole resided the broken heart deep in my subconscious – the heart that could not tolerate being held. When I fall in that hole, I could spend a whole day or week desperately climbing my way out tooth and nail, unable to tell lover from enemy in all of that darkness.
Recently, in the past four or five years, I have had an opportunity to find out what I become in love, real love, over nearly half a decade, and I am happy to say that it is much smoother and less tumultuous.
I am quieter in my discomfort, and more easily able to love and be loved. The immediacy of the voice that wants to shout PROVE.IT.I.DARE.YOU is pacified and calm.  I’ve become a quiet thing. A calm thing. A loving thing. I’ve become a deep thinker and passionately intensive. I’ve become a solidifier of my own boundaries and space – providing myself ample room to move about freely. I have figured out where I end and [you] begin, and I plan on keeping it that way.

I wish I could explain how I put myself in harm’s way, repeatedly – action born out of my voracious hunger for love and connection. How I put myself there, even when the part of my heart that knew there had to be something more begged and pleaded for me to stop.

I want to describe how difficult it can be to open up to [you], when the voice telling me not to trust, that it’s a trick is so thick in my throat my words won’t formulate. I want to describe to [you] the feeling of having betrayed yourself, so that [you] might understand better why I withdraw beneath your touch if [you] move too fast or I am startled. I wish I could describe the experiences that came before, where I wasn’t in control and fast was a sure indicator of impending shame.

It’s not that I’m unwilling.
It’s that there are occasions where I forget the time and the place and the fact that I am safe, now.  And that I work on it, because I believe in my heart that [you] are worth it, and that I am worth it too.

I think of myself differently now, like a shiny penny or something beautiful and lucky. I do this work because I know that I deserve more: more pleasure, more safety, more joy, more comfort, more spontaneity, more imagination.
I want to tell [you] that I’m dedicated to bringing my whole self here, to a relationship and to rituals behind closed doors. And that I know, now, that I am worth a relationship of this magnitude.  Everything will be OK in the end.  If it's not OK, it's not the end.  Unfortunately sometimes we just need to erase the texts, delete the number & move on...

Beautiful [Winter].

Hello the last full week before the new year. I am pretty excited about this week. I'm tying up loose ends and feeling pretty unstressed. Normally, I am racing around this week like the world is about to end. But, last year I raced myself into a body shutdown.

And I never want to experience that again. Ever.

SO. I am heading in to this holiday season - prepared to TAKE A BREAK. To put my feet up. To enjoy the company I am with and to let little things slide. To have more cider! To enjpy the snowscapes.The girls learned a rhyme that they repeat often through the day, "you get what you get and you don't get upset." I have no idea where they learned it. But, I like it. I will adopt it.... "You get (done) what you get (done) and you don't get upset."

The last half of the last month of the year around here has been nothing short of SPECTACULAR. Like living in a snowglobe. I love this place.

Let the year end with beauty. 

[Hope] Now.

It only takes one good day every now and again to remind me that hope surrounds us. 

From the buds fighting to become leaves to the new signs of life after a long winter... The past couple of months have challenged me. I've had good days and bad days. I've had days when I felt heard and days when I felt broken. Days when I felt understood and days when I felt loneliness. I've had long nights and many tears. I've had days when I wanted to fight like the mighty and days when I had no fight left. I've had days. I've had those days.

But, my heart is full of hope.

To share with others helps us to heal, makes our hearts more resilient, and prepares us for a deep and soulful love.  No matter what the world throws at me, no matter how many disappointments and let-downs I face, I have found my inner core of self-awareness - I am my own best friend - and that means I will be okay.  You see...I tend to choose emotional unavailable men, only they find that out after spending some quality time with well this overcommitted, out-of-balance, sleep deprived woman, who is constantly trying to weed out the good from the great so that I can be, experience, give, share, teach, learn and soak in all that is best and needed (and even wanted) for my soul.  

I'm changing things around here. The balance of life, writing, and internet. Less internet. More writing. I don't need an internet signal to write and I am a maker of soulful words. I have a tower of journals with post-it notes to remind me of the stories they are waiting for. I have lots of stories within me. I have lots of emotion to get onto paper so that I can bid them adieu.

And my heart is full of hope.

[Tries]. Sighs. And High Fives.

What I've learned in a short time about people + feelings...

Anxiety, while widely accepted nowadays, is still isolating.  Especially if,  your exterior doesn’t always match your brain.  People keep the positive attitude so they don’t burden others, but inside, their brain is having a different cup of tea, taking over every thought and breath, because it just does not know how to  leave. them. alone.  


I realized that sandwiched in between the life moments that make them want to jump up and shout “Bring it on world, I’m ready”,there needs to be an ebb and flow to life.   The not so pleasant moments help me to reflect, and realize RIGHT, things were a bit rocky,  but baby, look how far you’ve come. The yin to the yang as they say.  


So today no silver lining, no making everything better by some words stringed together that says “I got this. All is good.” Because sometimes, you just gotta get it out. Messy and full of grammar mistakes and all.

[Forgiveness].

“The weak can never forgive. forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi 

Forgiveness can be a tough word to swallow.  Starting with forgiving small things like a friend breaking a wine glass or your husband forgetting to pick up your library book, are easy ways to begin embracing forgiveness.  But as the crimes get bigger, forgiveness seems harder to embrace.
I’ve also realized, forgiveness is much more about myself then I originally thought.   Letting go of the hurt, begins to mellow me and allow me to let go of that heavy burden I continue to carry around. I love these quotes that say, “forgiveness isn’t something we do for other people, we do it for ourselves to get well and move on” and “forgiveness is unlocking the door to set someone free and realizing you were the prisoner.”
But, what about when forgiving someone causes you to think you are weak?  For me, I often get caught up in this struggle that while forgiving someone, I’m enabling poor choices, giving them a gift card to go shopping with my heart.  What if we say that forgiveness is strength?  Realizing others make mistakes (as do I) –  letting  go of the pain they caused and move it away from myself – requires a heck of a lot more strength than I originally thought. 

This year I’ve forgiven things from small to big, and none of them felt easy in the moment.  Forgiving, does allow me to be happier and let go of that nagging voice in my head that carries around anger.  There are studies that show forgiveness creates a higher quality of life, healthier body and a more positive attitude.  Woo-hoo, bring it on!
Today, I’ve chosen to fill my heart with not only thankfulness, but also forgiveness – even if it means I choose to forgive the lady who bumped into me three times with her shopping car in the Target toy aisle.

News[Flash].

There once was a girl who had a few things to say...you may not think all she had to say was important, but take a listen...she's just sayin'...

The beginning of a new relationship is scary because you don't really know the person you're dating, so you can't be sure what you're going to get. In other words, you're investing in a relationship based purely on faith, or your hope that this new person will be good for you. But let's all admit what a risk it is to start falling in like! Can you imagine taking a thousand dollars and putting it into a stock that you don't know much about? If you only knew a few details about the company you were investing in, you'd probably decide not to invest in it. Why? Because it would feel too risky.  Oh, the drama that new likes bring!

No, relationships aren't easy for anyone and the uncertainty of falling for someone is hard for everyone to manage. But slowing down and giving yourself time to sufficiently interview the person you're interested in will be the best insurance policy you could invest in!

Newsflash...If I'm going to hang out with a guy with zero chance of a real relationship, he may as well be a famous professional athlete.

[Enough].

You may not yet be ready for me...
You may be a little nervous...
You may not quite know yet how to take all of that limitless power and strength and return it to it’s source – using it to create a life that is YOU sized...

You are ready now – even if you don’t feel ready...You are ready now – even if you don’t feel ready...A life that makes you want to cry and laugh, because it is so beautiful and perfect and exactly as you always imagined it could be...

I AM ENOUGH.
You are not bad or greedy or selfish or arrogant for wanting a better life.You deserve that. When you’re ready, my heart will have your name all over it.



The magic time is now...
Right this second...

You have been preparing your whole life for this, and trust me when I tell you:

Here’s the reality check: You will never be perfect. There will never be a magic time, a time when all of your ducks are in a row and doors are opening left and right.

This is my vow: 

I am very patient. 

I will tell you a million times how utterly deserving you are. 

I will hold the hope for you until you can hold it for yourself. 

I am not going to go away, even when what I’m saying to you makes you twinge with discomfort.

I am still more than a little terrified.  But this I know...

Are you my person?