Friday, May 10, 2013


"We do not remember days, we remember moments." - Cesare Pavese

When I think back on this past year so far, I've grown more into myself, more appreciative, more purposeful. I now know the direction I want my life to go, and that just brings with it so much peace. I have been feeling messy, mixed up, chatty, and overwhelmed for small moments throughout the last couple of days.
As excited as I am, I'm also trying not to deny myself all the other emotions that come along to me. There is so much to do, and my brain and my heart are frozen, paralyzed. They don't want to take action on the enormous to-do list. Instead, they want to stay right where they are. Am feeling growing pains. From a soul and a life that is stretching out of it's comforts and into a new season of growth and rebirth. It's a good thing, but sometimes it feels slightly uncomfortable and awkward. This new sense of self feels unfamiliar in some ways, like I'm still getting to know her. I have felt this before, when I'm in a period of big transition, of growing up. But right now it feels like there are some adjustments that need to be made, some tweaking here and there, especially with my intentions and focus. 
So, it turns out that I have a hard time stopping. Without work and ideas and passion taking up my brainwaves, I'm not sure what to do with myself. I know, I know. So sad! It sort of snuck up on me, this seemingly one dimensional life. I’m learning the hard lesson of what I'm left with when that one dimension (work) takes a break for awhile. And what I'm left with is a mixture of confusion, a little bit of sadness, and not much of a life! LOL I can see now how workaholics become workaholics and how on the other side of that story are other neglected stories (self, family, balance, etc) that eventually succumb. I don't want that for myself. I don't want the sadness, or the succumbing of my other stories, or the confusion.
I suppose we all get stuck in one dimensions every now and again while the other pieces of ourselves wait for us to come around again. And I can see now, how over the last many months, I got myself here in this rut. It's so easy to neglect various aspects of our lives when the loudest pieces get first dibbs. For me, my loudest piece is my work. It's what excites me, what reaches out for me, what I most love to do. But, on the other hand, it's pretty bossy and insistent and swallows me whole. It also doesn't respect boundaries, And I'm pretty sure it struggles with co-dependency issues :)
I’m learning that it's not so much about working too much, or taking time off, or breaks. It's about combining/restructuring work with nurture and dating. I can do that. I really can. And can I just say thank you for hanging in there with me on this?  I don't want to appear sad or depressed. I'm just a talker. I talk and hash and analyze and discern just about everything - it's how I gauge my intention in my life, what I'm celebrating, and what I’m working on. That, and I’ve always wanted to be honest here. I want to read back on this blog years from now and know that I represented all the pieces of my life. And life, for me, is ebb and flow. Especially these last couple of years as life has truly lifted for me in so many ways.
 You know, life. I want more of it. Because in the end, having a life is what makes me better at what I do. It also inspires what I do. And how I do it. So, that's the challenge, peeps. More life in 2013. It's a journey I want to take. A journey I'm ready to take.

No comments:

Post a Comment