[Soul] Whisperings.

"Letting go gives us freedom and freedom is the only condition for happiness.” -Thich Nhat Hanh

As most of you know, I strongly believe in the beauty of ordinary everyday life. Documenting simple everyday stories is my passion and it’s what I come back to again and again in times of struggle and awesomeness.

Writing has helped me figure out what I know for sure and, more important, it has given me a way to cope with those questions that seem to have no answers.  I’m still learning to live and trust. But sharing what I write is what takes me to my edge, to that place where my own vulnerabilities are brought to light and exposed. And what a relief it is, always, to realize I can survive, and that I’m not alone after all.  Somewhere along the way of my journey, I realized the life I was so busy looking for was the one I already had – imperfect, animated, ordinary, mine. I didn’t want to miss another moment of it. And so I slowed down and began to pay attention.

My manifesto lately has been, “When it’s a choice between love and fear, choose love.” This last week has been really hard, particularly Monday and Tuesday.  I lost a friend.  What I thought was a good friend.  It sucks when something has happened in the past, that you admittedly did, becomes something of the future that you didn’t.  He no longer (I’m not sure he ever trusted me to begin with from day 1) trusted me and for good reason, but recently for no good reasons other than our past.  I’m not exactly how our text messages turned into all caps and him repeating for me to never text or call him again rapidly grew to such anger.  I had to take some time and ask myself to literally process all the information that was flying at me.  Tears rolled down my cheeks. I was shocked at the unpredictable rage.  His rage.  Flying off the handle without asking me point blank (not via text, get real) about the situation.  I had never seen this rage before from him.  After all, he is a rather calm person. Text after text kept flying to my phone and after the first several I just began to delete them all.  I never read half of the messages.  I regret that, but when I saw one that was basically calling me a liar about starting a new relationship, I broke down.  Pulled over to the side of the road, and broke down.  How did something so magical turn into something so painstakingly horrible?  I know that I am not completely innocent, no one ever is, but didn’t do anything so harmful and hateful the way he still believes.  Insert knife in chest.  After 3 huge inhales and exhales, I was able to pull myself together and began to drive again, I started to reflect. I don't want be with someone when the path is overgrown.  It was the end of him and I.  Things spiraled out of control.  Silly things that go twisted into a knotted mess.  I saw a side of him that was evil.  A side I had never witnessed before.  It was hurtful, blaming without fault, and somethings you just can't go back to.  I so wanted to blast off text after text.  I even typed them, read them out loud and never sent them.  Some how this act made things better for my heart.  And I know that I never sent those 8 final text messages for him to read, but I needed to get off of my heart the feeling I had in that very moment.  I wasn’t looking for a backlash of text messages telling me that I was a horrible no good nothing…I needed to release all of what I was feeling, thinking, knowing in my heart the pure truth at that very moment.  Exhale.  It was a feeling of release. I’m still completely hurt, but grateful.  Grateful I was able to see how he handles a stressful situation.  Sometimes, when things are really hard and scary and not the way I want them to be at all, choosing love over fear seems crazy and impossible. But of course, love really is the only good choice. It’s just that choosing it can sometimes require so much more courage than I think I have.

So,  this. all.  to.  recent.  story in my life comes to an end.  Stories come to an end, but life itself goes on.  And I’m learning that it is OK to let go of someone.  Really let go.

Let go…

Let go, and I’ll be caught… 

Let go, and I’ll feel the joy of knowing that there will a hand at my back if I need it…

Let go, and know a hand will be ready to hold me…

Let go, and trust a hand that is guiding me…

Let go, and believe that a hand will be there to make sure I don’t…

Fall over.  Fall apart.  Fall through the cracks.

I’m going to finally release my grip on him and let go. 

It’s been good. 

It’s over. 

It’s okay.

Writing some new stories feels good.

His soulful words are my thoughts...although old...
Warren Haynes' voice could kill a devil and swoon an angel.