Dear John [Letter].

I’ve been tying up some loose ends that have been holding me back from truly being happy.  People who I have relationships with, whether they are friendships or intimate connections, I share a deep trust and commitment with those people.  Recently I started to think about a friendship with a man I once had a profoundly deep emotional connection with.  In the past, I made a lot of excuses for his behaviors, the anxiety that I felt with him, and my continued investment.  I made excuses, rationalize shady stuff, ignore red flags and my own needs, and basically linger and even stayed rammed stuck in this so called friendship long beyond my ‘use by date’ all on the basis of a couple of things – he’s still ‘there’ in some capacity (texting) and I assumed he’d have ‘some’ interest that can be made into ‘more’. Cue trying to prove myself, seeking validation and attempting to avoid rejection. 

When someone’s genuinely interested in you, they consistently demonstrate their interest and leave you in no doubt about it. They and the relationship are not ambiguous, they’re not afraid to make plans and follow through on them, and more importantly, they treat you with care, trust, respect, and eventually love consistently. They don’t burn up their energies resisting you and you don’t burn up your time and energy making excuses for them and seeing meaning where there is no meaning.

He was half-hearted, a bit ‘meh’ in that, I mean he thinks I’m ‘sweet’ or whateves but I’m not ‘The One’ or even in danger of becoming ‘The One.’ He flat out knew this because he’s not genuinely looking for ‘The One’ relationship, possibly because he’s avoiding commitment (hands down, scared), He thought that I’ll do to pass time with (lied to me too about how he was not ready for dating, but is dating). But you see, in talking this out with a 3^rd party,  I overestimated my interest in him, I realized that I’m not as interested as I thought, and

I liked the challenge…

I liked the illusion rather than keeping my feet in the real world…
I like the thought that I might rediscover that interest again (probably not)…

I liked the fantasy…

I liked the constant texting…

I liked the song recommendations...

I liked the attention…

I liked his words…
I liked the thought of him…

I liked passing the time with him (of course something better came along)…

I did not like him…