Breath In, Breath Out, And Finally [Exhale].

“Love is the oxygen of the Soul.” – Tony Robbins

Lots of things have been going on for me these last few days when dealing with relationships and friendships.  To be honest, I’m emotionally spent.  My emotions have been slip sliding all over the place, with very little self compassion, deep anxiety and feelings of worthlessness. I am less obsessed these days in working out the why, as much as figuring a way out. 

I’ve realized how much a journey this whole ‘learning to love myself’ truly is. I feel like the moment that the road has become bumpy, my philosophy and values have crumbled beneath me. I really want to believe it. And I guess the thing is I do believe it about others. I’m just having a hard time believing it for myself; the intelligent, logical part of my brain is gently scolding me for thinking something so silly and ridiculous, and yet my heart is grimacing believing it to be true.  How is it that someone you cared for so deeply can believe that you are a person who would want to hurt someone?

To believe...

To believe that you did something that you didn’t…

To believe without sight…

To believe and blame unknowingly…

To believe with their whole heart that you are evil…

To believe and lash out via text…

To believe it is ok to not talk about it...

To believe to your soul something so wrong…

To believe something so hurtful…

To believe…

I started to talk to a man from my past again, up until recently...  We’d been texting for 7 months straight daily, throughout the day but have known each other since September 2012.  We are able to connect and have meaningful, deep interactions.  Intense at times, but I truly invited the conversations that were not surface level.  In fact, at times, I found myself being way too serious, but I didn’t want to miss a thing!  Zero. Nada. Nothing. You see, I’m a ‘recovering perfectionist and people pleaser.’ LOL.

When he and I first started texting again for the second time in January, I was nervous and excited all rolled into one ball of emotion in my stomach and before long my thoughts of being hurt soon vanished. My heart swelled to full capacity very quickly and there was an air of eager anticipation. The phrase that ran through my mind was, “To thine own self ALWAYS be true.”  I’m not quite sure why I was moved so profoundly by this man, and now I will never know.  But if I could put it into words, he was like liquid sunshine for my hungry and heavy heart.  I had lost contact with him a few months back and felt battered and bruised emotionally from the intensity of my grief.  You see, I had already been on a long personal journey, reading many self-help books, watching countless inspirational films, listening to medication CDs, spending thousand on coaches.  They all had a part to play in helping me become more accountable and comfortable with myself, believing in who I am and realizing my dreams.  So this was a complete new start with him, although I’m not sure that getting over the past is something he is able to do yet in his life.  As he so hurtfully reminded me of recently.  His heart had been deeply pierced and tattered by a failed marriage resulting ultimately in a divorce.  But though it all he was still funny, insightful, entertaining and so warm.  I’m not sure he truly practices what he preaches…  But there was something about him that made me feel like an old friend.  Every time we texted I could feel my stomach getting more knotted and nervous! Words seemed to come out of my fingertips while texting, at a hundred miles an hour but he seemed genuinely delighted and always responded with pure delight.

Uncertainty can make me feel crazy and is probably why I’m such a hard-core perfectionist trying to control whatever I can and while I might even revel in the thrill of occasional risk at times, but emotional exposure, even the words spread fear into my very core. It all comes down to the same old thing for me. Not feeling good enough, being afraid that if I let people in and see me, the flawed, imperfect me that it will only confirm my fears of being worthless. For me working on my worthiness and ‘enough-ness’ has been and will continue to be the most important thing I will ever do. In fact the more personal work I do on living a wholehearted life (like I currently practice), the more I realize it is a skill that I need to practice every single day. It might sound dramatic, and even far too navel-gazing, but if I don’t live from a place of worthiness and enough-ness how can I relate to my family and friends authentically?  How can I perform in my work with integrity and most importantly, when I have a child how can I teach them to believe and love themselves if I can’t show them how.   I know that I personally need to lean into my vulnerability and allow my courage to well up and let myself be seen, despite the risks.  I’ve done this recently only to have it back fire on me with him.  But, in the end it is OK.  I was whole-hearted and truthful down to my very core.  Even if others don’t believe, not my problem.  I’ve learned that those people are so damaged and hurt from past experiences that they may never quite heal.  So if I’m being honest, we have let each other go and I’ve sent him on his way with love and light.  Ahh, closure.

One message I hear loud and clear these days, is that being vulnerable is completely full of risks and while we might get our asses kicked in the process (sho nuf), the biggest myth is that vulnerability is avoidable. I guess it should be added to the list along with death and taxes! Using that analogy though perfectly shows how much more painful our experience can be when we run from or fight the inevitable, by hardening ourselves up against vulnerability all we are doing is excluding the love and joy from life.  It’s about celebrating the fact that sometimes life doesn’t always work out, relationships… friendships…that it can be painful but that doesn’t mean we should watch from the sidelines. Having spent more years than I’d like to admit watching life from the sidelines even in a relationship, I can confirm that it is no less painful avoiding life. Pain still happens, but you simply cut off the chance to experience triumph and joy.

I am sensitive, perhaps too much, but my sensitivity allows me to connect with others in a deeply personal way. I am empathetic and compassionate. I really try to see things from other people’s points of view, be understanding and non-judgemental. I might not always succeed, but if the price for wearing my heart on my sleeve is that I’m fundamentally a kind, sweet, caring person, then I’ll accept that.

But what I’m learning is that I need to really make peace with myself, and be compassionate to myself during times of loss and great change.  So here’s to more opportunities of getting into the ring of life and dating and relationships and new friendships and getting my ass kicked, experiencing the highs and lows, the sorrow and the joy and to practicing the art of vulnerability with a little more humor and perhaps finesse. And maybe, just maybe having someone see how worthy and loveable and that I am more than enough.

 I AM enough. I am beautiful. Just. As. I. Am.

And hell if I need to say this to myself a hundred times a day until it starts to seep into my soul, then so be it.